Reflections on 2009

Last year I began again. I pulled myself out of the monotony of the past four years and started changing things. Much of my resolve was do to the fact that I had someone whom I thought was a friend. Pure chance gave me the impetus to do some of the things I had half heartedly wanted for the past years. I went on a diet and made the effort of trying to reconnect with the world. The results are not at all what I expected.
In some ways, my life is infinitely better then it was. In other ways, it has not really changed at all. I think that I have not changed, just learned, grown, and shed much of my past. Almost all of my resolutions have not come to pass. I have not gotten a new and better job, I do not look the way I thought I would, I have not gotten my teeth fixed or resolved the issues of my home. I did lose weight and a considerable amount at that, and I figured out how to get health care.
Yet, this New Year is so remarkably different that I cannot completely quantify what it means too me. Some of the differences are obvious and wonderful, some are difficult and painful, and many are still indefinable as good or bad.
The main difference and the best of the differences is Aaron. He wasn’t supposed to be what he has become. At first, he was just Mark’s neighbor, then someone who would be an acquaintance. Then he became, in quick succession, a lover, an annoyance and then an idiot in less then two weeks time.
And once he was done being that, he became one of the most important people in my life.
It is no stretch to say we are a mismatch. The age difference alone is enough for most to dismiss the possibilities, but I keep coming back to the most important thing. He makes me happy and I seem to make him happy. Its funny that something that started as so unimportant and, admittedly sordid, has become such a mellow and easy relationship. We don’t fight, rarely upset each other and, usually, just bop along happily together. I have learned a lot about myself through my interaction with Aaron. I have also confirmed a lot.
I may be a screw up at a lot of things, but, apparently, I make a damn good girlfriend.

The other major change is my estrangement from my mother. I haven’t spoken to her since August. The day after Christmas, she and Eric came to the trailer to drop off Christmas presents from the Gatewood’s and I was surprised to find presents from them to me in the pile. I didn’t see them. I stayed in my room and acted like I was asleep. Dad was able to avoid calling me out by telling the truth, I was sick. In the past I would have gone to investigate my Christmas loot regardless of the fact that I was hacking my lungs up and snotting all over the place, but this year I couldn’t. I couldn’t face her. I can’t stand that she is acting like this is nothing and, at the same time, I won’t lie and give her the easy way out. I can’t ignore the elephant in the room and I’m too stubborn to let her see me cry, and see how much it hurts to not have her, even superficially, in my life.
It’s getting worse as time progresses and the knowledge that I won’t be having dinner at Red Lobster with her and Eric the week of my birthday is killing me. It’s been a tradition for a long time now. For the first time since I was in my early teens there won’t be a bouquet of roses on my Birthday.
It seems that every time Aaron and I go out with Scotty, I end up talking about the nachos at Random Row and the battle over the melted cheese. And I want to tell her that I still haven’t found good nachos since, although the ones at Miller’s are pretty good.
So this year, instead of being a fixture lazing around the little house on Albavanna Spring, I am sitting here, missing my mother and I’m not even sure if she misses me.
So this year, instead of brimming with ideas and plans, I am just trying to figure out what this past year has meant. I told Aaron that I want something to mark my birthday this year, something different and special. I think I do have some things to celebrate as I turn 26. I also have many new things to figure out. Maybe that will be my resolution for 2010.